Tales of the Parodyverse

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J. Jonah Jerkson
Sun Aug 28, 2005 at 09:38:48 pm EDT
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An editorial
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From The Parodiopolis Daily Trombone, August 29, 2005

EDITORIAL

FINALLY, ACTION AGAINST THE SUPERHEROIC MENACE


By J. Jonah Jerkson, Executive Editor and Publisher

After the abortive wedding of the preposterous Lair Legion member Nats and his too-sweet-for-words, simpering, discarded bride Uhunalura, who poses as a princess from some undiscernable fantasy realm, I had hoped that Parodiopolis would enjoy another brief respite from mayhem, chaos and spiffy. We only got one of the three, and who knows what that fronded mountebank and absentee ex-omni-mayor is erratically preparing for us in far-off Badripoor?

As for mayhem, the preening, irresponsible members of the Lair Legion have been running around like ants from a plowed-over anthill trying (a) to find out what has gouged the entire country of Wakandybar, not to mention other regions and cities, from the face of the earth, (b) to quell a quixotic invasion of Texas from Mexico, composed of campesinos under the banner of “Trebellino’s Trabajeros,” and (c) closer to home, to cover up their incompetence in investigating, then releasing, enough transnuclear radiation to irradiate contain 10 square miles of nearby GothametropolisYork state, endangering our water and air.

The Lair Legionnaires are also doing their usual splendid job in aggravating chaos over the globe. Only a few weeks ago, metahumans attacked simultaneously in Parodiopolis and 11 other world centers. The Lair Legion only managed to respond to a single attack by the Yurt here in Parodiopolis, and bungled their assignment at that, chasing the Yurt from Off-Central Park to the Guernsey Morass, where he disappeared, leaving a trail of devastation that passed only a few short blocks from my own home in Pierce Heights.

Worse, our sources confirm that the Junior Lair Legion, a group of delinquents that are allegedly being “mentored” by the Lair Legion, was actually behind the recent computer virus plague that shut down all air traffic last week and may have seriously impaired the U.S. defense posture, despite denials from the Pentagon. We are publishing today classified Pentagon documents showing the broad and frightening extent to which “Hacker 9,” a particularly dangerous Technopolitan teenager, had our armed forces at his mercy. And what happened after this twerp brought the Western World to its knees? The Lair Legion fabricated an alibi for him, preventing him from being brought to justice and incapacitated before he does even more lethal harm to our societies.

One small ray of hope comes from the U.S. Government, which finally is taking a stronger stand against metahuman excesses. Credit goes to Herbert P. Garrick, Special Presidential Advisor, whose consistent and prescient stand for the average human and against the superhuman “heroes” who have the nerve to act beyond the law that they claim to be defending. In a long overdue step, the Office of Paranormal Security and its overstated “Epitome Division” are being reorganized and brought under the wing of Mr. Garrick. Trombone readers will remember that Mr. Epitome, although a loyal and dedicated operative, has been cutting corners and ignoring his sworn duties, usually in conjuction with the Lair Legion and its activities. Mr. Garrick’s role in coordinating and restraining government metahuman activity while discouraging it in favor of normal humans and the Sentinoid robots gives us some hope for the future.

In particular, we welcome Mr. Garrick’s initiative to acquire and install a nationwide monitoring system for metahuman presence, as a means of forestalling additional harmful attacks by sociopathic metas and unnecessary and destructive “defense” by the likes of the Lair Legion. As proposed by a major private sector consortium, the new warning system will be interconnection with similar systems worldwide to provide the first comprehensive warning system for metahuman activity. We are especially gratified that a Parodiopolis concern, Interdimensional Transportation Corporation, will be a prime contractor and that there is the potential for many new, high-tech jobs in our city.

So, two cheers for Herbert Garrick, who has not only warned us of the superheroic menace and who now is trying to do something about it. We await real action before adding a third cheer, but for once, Washington is doing something sensible.

J. JONAH JERKSON
Voice of the People



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